Dear Tobias Moers: You Better Bring More HP Sauce And NO! Apple Strudel To BRITISH! Aston Martin
Dear Tobias Moers, my dear German friend, this is Jeremiah Clarkson and I would like to give you a few words of advice on how to succeed at Aston Martin. It’s rather simple dear boy, be more British. I am not a xenophobe, I have many British friends who can vouch for my narrow-minded views. To succeed at Aston Martin you need to be more BRITISH! more HP Sauce (that great BRITISH! American owned brand) and less Apple Strudel. And don’t even think about wearing lederhosen. I acknowledge your Mercedes AMG background, but we the British have a track record of BRITISH! manufacturing success. Look at Toyota, look at Nissan. The former Aston Martin (BRITISH!) CEO Andy Palmer left behind a great legacy for you to clear up.
Good news my dear friend, the Covid-19 crisis is now declining in key territories. Ignore the inevitable second wave, because my fellow rich friends are simply moored on their yachts waiting for the piffle of society to be permanently escorted away by the coronavirus. Your job, my dear Tobias, is to put the Aston back into Martin. Or may I be inclined to say to put the BRITISH! back into the brand.
And don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes, dear Tobias. I know you are a confident chap, but I can see through that impressive personal aura. I believe you will bring Apple Strudel to the table, I believe you will wear lederhosen to work because I believe you are… a nice chap… with an impressive personal aura. And when I call you to have a chat you ought to address me as Lord Overlord.
The media can make or break you, my dear Tobias. They will fawn over you, they will nod in wide-eye agreement to everything you say. And if ever Aston Martin burns to the ground they will call you asking for a press loan or first drive exclusive. And know this, my dear Tobias, when you deal with the media, from that point on they own your ass. Even Lucifer himself is known to hesitate interview requests with the media.
You will learn, my dear Tobias, the media is like a mafia boss and they will shoot you down once your usefulness is gone. If you fail to “co-operate” with their suggestions they will use their position to finally do proper journalism and actually make a counter-argument! Here is my plan of action for Aston Martin, I suggest you ought to make use of it:
1 – No Apple Strudel.
2 – No wearing of lederhosen.
3 – More BRITISH! – ness.
4 – More HP Sauce. Not tomato sauce, but proper manly BRITISH! HP sauce.
5 – To prove your BRITISH! -ness, start holidaying in Benidorm.