I want to tell you about Vitruvius, he was a Roman Architect from ancient times. He developed a philosophy on the principles of architecture, a simple set of rules governing the ideals of building design. He even wrote about it in a multi-volume treatise, De Architectura, published between 30 BC and 15 BC. The Vitruvius principles were written as such, firmitas, utilitas and venustas, Latin for strength, utility and beauty. The overriding mathematical principle of the Vitruvius formula was perfect architectural proportionality in relation to the human body.

This knowledge, this ancient record of form, function, and purpose was rediscovered during the Renannasiance by Leonardo Da Vinci. With this knowledge, Da Vinci created the Vitruvius Man, an artistic depiction of the Vitruvius mathematical equation. And the solution was to depict perfect proportionality. The Vitruvius set of principles can also be applied to many other modern design and engineering contexts.

So BMW… what the actual fuck have you done with the all-new 2020 4 Series Coupe? LOOK AT IT! where is the perfect proportion? You had it with the previous generation… well not quite but nearly. All you had to do was evolve the F32 but you went for a General Custer Little Big Horn. Well BMW, your charmed life has finally run out of steam.

The new BMW 4 Series Coupe is devoid of any design principles, for its underlying philosophy has been governed by focus groups, the marketing department, and the deranged lunatic in charge of leading this project. Never blame the designers, like all good foot soldiers they were only following orders.

Just as we were reverting back to good motoring journalistic practices, such as never voicing a real opinion, always asking soft-ball questions, actually really looking forward to end of year party invites (bribes), back-scratching, smooching, dogging, all just to gain back easy access for the purposes of gaslighting readers. We were actually going to do proper journalism BMW, but YOU BMW! yes, YOU! you go and do this.

Now it’s back to obscurity for us, back the wilderness for the Daily Car Blog, back to the tent on the windswept hill, back to eating a can of cold beans for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But you know what? as we, I, sit here on a windswept hill wrapped in a wind-ravaged blanket, shivering, I look down into the valley below separated by a twisty road.

And I know one day that twisty road will receive a visitor. A BMW 4 Series Coupe. And behind the wheel will sit a proper bonafide motoring journalist who will regurgitate the time-honored line, “it rides like it’s on rails”. And we’ll thank the maker we actually had a deranged lunatic opinion… oh and one more thing, the lack of proportionality BMW 4 Series Coupe is the worst car of the week.