Change always brings… change… and we here at DCB HQ have changed our minds about BMW being makers of premium luxury rubbish cars. Because change is necessary. We hereby declare from this day forth, BMW is no longer a maker of premium rubbish cars. Yes, of course, in the past we have said BMW is premium luxury rubbish, makers of premium luxury rubbish cars, but a specific event recently occurred that for us was a classic epiphany moment. Yes, of course, well ignore the actual rubbish BMW has made and sold over the years, such as cars suddenly losing power on motorways. If you want to be part of this industry silence is golden.

Well ignore the price-fixing, we’ll ignore BMW’s active participation and coverup of dieselgate. A product recall rate that flows faster than a waterfall we’ll ignore all of it just to say BMW is brilliant. We here at DCB HQ are on the path of reformation, we have seen the light. We want a return to industry respectability and our road to redemption begins here at this point.

Hallelujah praise be the lord we want to be part of the unquestioning, BMW press fraternity. We want to get behind the wheel of a BMW because we feel the need for BMW speed. We want to give BMW persistent 5-star comatose reviews because for us BMW is suddenly great again.

What isn’t so great is the asking price BMW is demanding for the recently added X1 xDrive25e and the X2 xDrive25e plug-in hybrid models. They start at £38,200, that’s £38,200 for a bloody BMW the size of a peanut! You have to have a peanut-sized brain to buy either one of these cramped and idiosyncratic cars.

errrmmm. MAKE BMW BRILLIANT AGAIN!