What did the BMW 5 Series ever do to deserve this, why, what, where, when… how? Jesus Christ almighty why is BMW celebrating this utterly miserable award, the UK Tow Car Awards 2018. BMW UK should hold its collective head in shame for willingly promoting this meaningless entity of an award because if they won’t we will on their behalf. Indeed we have, all of us at DCB Towers, shackled ourselves to a ball and chain because if we were let loose we would most likely be howling wildly with laughter.

Turns out, the Caravan & Camping industry, (it does exist) is worth £3bn per year in the UK alone, that’s a lot of gullible BMW 5 Series people who actually believe owning a caravan is as worthy as camping. Research shows caravan and camping people have a disposable income to buy the equivalent of an Olympic sized swimming pool every year, they also have the buying power to stay a decent hotel. But they choose not to. Research also shows that people who caravan & camp and who own a BMW are usually called Robert, they live a suburban life spent eating precisely one slice of toast with a cup of tea every morning while reading the print edition of the Daily Mail. Robert also sports a curiously neatly trimmed beard and is very methodical in planning his daily routine, which has been precisely the same every day for the past 20 years. Robert gets on with his neighbors but views ethnic minorities, such as Millwall supporters, with deep suspicion. Robert takes his family on two trips every year, often to a remote location in the middle of nowhere, his trusty BMW 5 Series towing his trusty dilapidated caravan, always keeping to the speed limit while listening intently to Radio 4 on LW. Arriving at camp Robert enacts his daily routine as he does every day at his bricks & mortar dwelling, a cup of tea and a slice of toast and a print edition of The Daily Mail where he can get misinformed or lied to on a daily basis. BMW should not be selling cars to the Roberts of this world nor should they be accepting a useless award because it happens to fit into the marketing strategy. The BMW 5 Series is meant to be the ultimate driving machine, not the ultimate towing machine and for this reason alone it is the worst car of the week.